By our staff

Sir Howard Elston, our diplomatic correspondent, today has been named the new director general of the BBC.

The former spy and astrologist told this website only minutes after the announcement: ‘I am totally half committed to the job.’

He said his first commitment is to sort out  the crucial issues of  his company  car and who signs his taxpayers’ backed  expenses.

‘Everyone will have to buckle down, tighten up and rationalise. I have my role to play too by also buckling down  and skimming from the top’.

Meanwhile, toppled boss George Entwhistle offered his congratulations. He said: ‘I give Howard my best. And my best was totally f!””ing everything up and walking  away with £450,000 and change.’

Tonight, planning supreme and media analyst Nigel from Tyneside commented: ‘Mine’s a pint and re-runs of Pointless…’