An imaginary scene from; ‘Yes Prime Minister.’
(HS2 – Including a cameo appearance from the M6 Toll Road.)
(With thanks to original writers; Antony Jay & Jonathon Lynn.)
Sir Humphrey: “Congratulations on almost winning the election Prime Minister. I’m afraid I have bad news though. The Country is broke and you’ve got to cut all vital services to stop G.B. going bankrupt.”
Prime Minister; “No problem at all Sir Humphrey. I’ll just decimate the police force, let the schools fall apart, the health service can go to the dogs, pensioners can starve, if they don’t freeze first, industrial investment can dry up – or I’ll give it to Germany. Unemployment up north can stay up north and we’ll let the utility companies continue ripping off the public.”
S.H. “Brilliant idea Sir. Oh wait a minute, I’ve just found £33 billion in the bottom draw. Would you like to help any of the aforementioned problems ?”
P.M. “Don’t be silly Humphrey, I’ve got a much better idea. We’ll spend it on yet another train line. Just imagine. It will destroy hundreds of miles of beautiful countryside, hundreds of homes, hundreds of businesses and thousands of lives.
S.H. “Splendid Prime Minister. Err, what for exactly ? ”
P.M. “Well isn’t it obvious ? To knock 20 minutes off the journey between London and er, that Hamlet up north somewhere…… Brummagem.”
S.H. “Ah I see Sir. Who for ?”
P.M. “Really Humphrey ! For my City pals and old school friends of course. So they can get back home to London and a have nice Pimms, asap. Oh and also for any leftover 19th century businessmen who haven’t heard of the Intrenet…… Or Video Conferencing…… Or airplanes.”
S.H. “Or consideration of other people.”
P.M. “What was that Sir Humphrey ?”
S.H. “Nothing Prime Minister. It’s a brilliant idea. But what about the serfs, I mean the public ?”
P.M. “Well the fares will be extortianate so they wont be able to afford it. Jolly good thing too.”
S.H. “And when will this vanity project, sorry, I mean this brilliant idea, be ready to help the Country out of its immediate financial crisis Sir ?”
P.M. “About 14 years. Possibly 20 with all the usual delays.”
S.H. “And the cost in 14 years time Sir ?”
P.M. “Probably double today’s estimate. You know how it goes Humphrey.”
S.H. “And how will you get this past the great unwashed, Sir ?”
P.M. “Usual thing Humphrey. ‘Vital for jobs’. ‘Investment’. ‘Can’t survive without it.’ etc. Just like we always do. Just like we did with the M6 Toll Road.”
S.H. “Oh dear. I wouldn’t mention the M6 Toll Rd if I were you Prime Minister.”
P.M. “Why not Humphrey. It’s a superb example of the Government using its superior knowledge and intellect to overide public common sense and logic. Again.”
S.H. “The M6 Toll Road Sir, is currently running at barely one third of projected capacity. The promised tolls have risen 165% in 8 years making it one of the most expensive toll roads in Europe and it is losing around £52 million a year. Oh, and the only jobs it created were Toll booth collectors, house builders to replace the demolished homes, stress counsellors for all the wrecked lives and lawyers for all the legal claims.”
P.M. “Ah, I see. Who can we blame for that then ?
S.H. “The last lot. As usual Sir.”
P.M. “ So do you have a better idea for this £33 billion Sir Humphrey ?
S.H. “Wouldn’t it be better invested in the existing rail network Sir ? To fix what Beeching wrecked. To reconnect ALL of the disconnected towns & cities and suburbs to get Britain moving again. To get cars and freight off the roads and give EVERY taxpayer a superb railway with easy local and national travel at sensible prices, therefore creating jobs and prosperity across ALL of the country, not just one small corridor ? No wrecked homes. No wrecked countryside. No wrecked lives. No compensation to pay.
P.M. “But how would this help London Humphrey ?”
S.H. “Billions more in tax revenue Sir ”
P.M. “Pointless Humphrey We’d only waste it.”
S.H. “Yes Prime Minister.”
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Written by: W.H.Fordham.
